warwern

Dear LJ,

why am I feeling so miserable? I don't feel that good, I feel like I've lost any will to change. Last week, I face the reality of my wellbeing. I need to change but do I hv everything necessary to do that.

As a matter of fact, health is not the only thing bothering me. My academic work, my future electives, my finance, my relationship, my addiction. I can't seem to do anything right at all.

I slept bit early n wanted to wake earlier than usual so I can exercise n do work. But I still wake up at 1230. I did exercise for 20 mins and before I knew it, it's 230. Pfff what happen to the remaining 1 hr 40 m? I didn't eat yet, nor take a shower. I just fucking wasting time. I do start to notice that I'm wasting time not doing anything. I mean if I waste time watching movie or series, at least it's a more productive time wasting action. 1hr 40 m, there's a lot I can do in that time. Do actual work or watch movie, or eat, take shower.

Seriously I do not think I have the capacity to change. And that frightens me. I don't think I am repairable at this stage. And as I noticed I couldn't change, I should've stop things from keeping on rolling. I'm giving false hope that things would be ok, but I doubt it. I doubt myself more than ever. I'm poisoning myself with impure thoughts all the time, it's killing my soul. I'm leading an unhappy life. I know that my problem aren't as significant as other people's, but they are still problems nonetheless.

People don't understand me, I dont understand me. owh btw LJ, I did leave some voice memos in my phone, should my life comes to an end. I hope that'll you'll remember to give them accordingly to their recipient. It might come a time where this is necessary but I pray to God that time would not be anytime soon.

Yours truly,
WARWERN

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Dear LJ,

I can't really remember the last time I wrote here. Must be ages ago. But as I lie here on my bed, I feel like I need someone to talk to.

Despite having a free week, I found that im not being able to fully enjoy myself. Time are wasted listening to loops of music. The same one again and again. But it does not cheer me up. I feel hungry, I feel tired, I don't have the mood to do things. Last week I was determined to change. That this week is the best time to change because I'm free. But I found myself doing nothing that contributes to that.

I no longer feel that I have the self control like last time. Everything is spiralling out of control. I wish I could go away, far far away from here. Sometimes I thought of ending my life, but I knew that is the worst ending of them all. I couldn't take all of this anymore. What is happening to my life. What have I done. I keep on doing mistakes that in the end, comes back and haunt me.

The things that I've said, the things that I've done, the things that I've thought about, in retrospect seems to escalate my problem further. It has never seemed so difficult before. I always feel that I can manage. But now, all I think about is...

I feel so lonely, despite people in my life. I think I should be glad I've not lost all sense of fun. But it's the time when I'm alone is when it's the worst. I guess I'm grateful that I have friends.

I want to keep on writing and writing and hopefully that'll make me feel better about myself. I'm sorry that I've been such a disappointment. I could've been better but I just let things be. Things could have been different but I never made the effort to change. And I'm sorry that what I've done is never enough. I feel good about the small effort but in reality that was just a shitty excuse. May God have mercy on my soul and whatever happens from here onwards, I pray that it'll be the best path for me. I don't know what the future holds for me so give me strength, o God almighty, to walk on this path.

Yours truly,
WARWERN

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Dear LJ,

Sorry for not writing to you this few weeks. Been kinda busy with obs & gynae rotation. I have yet to find a portfolio patient. I think I have one but hopefully the patient would give a good history worth of portfolio.

Btw, LJ, if you have not watch Inception, then I recommend you to do so. If you like mind boggling mysteries. And dreams. Like I do. =P

( A bit of spoiler? )

Yours truly,
WARWERN

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Dear LJ,

Sorry for not writing to u for about a month. My bad. Just not in the mood really. I want to say, Alhamdulillah I have passed and is eligible to continue to year 4. As a matter of fact, I'm currently writing from the staff room of the Labour Ward at St Johns Hospital. I'm on my first night shift. I almost cried watching the joy of mothers who had just delivered and holding their baby in a skin to skin contact. It's just lovely.

Hmm, St John accommodation is ok, except I wish there were Internet, microwave and toaster. Luckily I have the iPhone to use Internet from my room. But having Internet directly is even better. Can't wait for the weekend when I'll be back in flat with Internet. I have true blood, the gates and manga to download.

Maybe I'll write again next time but I probably won't write as often now. Been very busy. Take care LJ.

Yours truly,
WARWERN

Posted via LiveJournal.app.