For some reason, everything doesnt seem right anymore. I dont feel that i can, at the moment, commit to anything. Probably because of the upcoming deadline for the cardiology rotation portfolio, I've become a bit muddled in the inside.

Suddenly my life is just out of control, I want to spend more time with friends, hoping that it would make me feel better, or to the very least, not think about my problems even if its just for a while.

Now that the seniors are no longer in edin, there are fewer people to talk to, in a sense that I dont want to keep repeating my complaints again and again and again to the same person. They would get bored by it so therefore a need to have several people that could at least hear me out. Farah and firdaus is still here, but with the upcoming portfolio and exam, might not be a good idea to bother farah, she needs her own time too. Firdaus, yes, I've talk to him, but then, if I feel like talking about it again, who else would be able to take the next turn? No one.

If Jal and Mai would still be here, i bet that i'm gonna go lepak at their houses, just to get my self outside of familiar surroundings (ie my flat). I always thought of walking around in Edinburgh aimlessly just to get myself out of this situation I'm in. If this is secondary school or college, I would already have a solution for my uncontrollable behaviour. But here, I dont think I have a ny plans, and it scares me. The consequences to my act could prove to be far worse than that of which i have gone through.

Why cant i control myself now. Im in such a mess, I think I need help. I need to talk this thing out thoroughly with someone. sigh


p/s: on a side note, i feel kinda pissed off right now. for a diff reason that is. thats why im blogging.

its good
its sooo good
in the mouth
i know

SHARING!

Ah, now that its the last 10 days before my busy third year (sob2...), i've indulge myself in jdrama and kdrama. Starting from the disc my sis borrowed from her friend which boys over flower (korean). I've watched 8 ep on the disc and awaits the next disc. So to fill my boredom, i watch Hana Kimi online. I think it was so so, probably because i would have preferred nakatsu/ashiya pairing rather than the intended lead pair.

And then i need to watch another series, and my eyes cant take off the title of coffee prince. I didnt knew what is was actually about nor did anybody recommended it to me. I was just drawn to the name since i was asking a few of my friends on whether investing some money into a coffee/espresso maker in edinburgh is worth it or not. So i ended up watching coffee prince.

AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH! lol

after i finished watching it, i feel that i want to watch it again, but then, maybe wait till i download a high quality one in edinburgh. I really like Han Kyul/ Eun Chan pairing. They look so cute with one another. Now i still have some time left so i'm gonna watch my girl and trick which is recommended by Jal. This marathon of drama reminds me of the weeks before my 2nd year exam in which i finish 15 seasons of stargate sg1 and its spinoff atlantis.

off to watch the next series.

another 20 days left before im back in Edinburgh. Im not that happy about it. Im just looking forward to the internet and Irn Bru. But not the study.

I am really worried about how my third year would be. But people will point out to me that it will be ok. Yes i do believe so, but i just want to be worried for now. i imagine that i wont have any group studies and that i have to be more independent, which worries me since i do not consider myself as one.

I renew my passport a few days ago and i am no longer eligible for the 50% student rate discount since im already over 21. Omg, i dont think im ready to be an adult yet.

And also i've watched 27 dresses recently. It is a great movie. recommended probably. I just feel that i am too like the bridesmaid. Unable to free myself from such a cycle. I feel that i have not achieved anything significant in my life.
Is this yet another wasted holiday?

I feel that my life is quite plain. reading manga, watching anime, imagining stuff that would probably never happen.

ok, at least im glad to be able to post sumthing. It didnt really turn out how i wanted it to be but it'll do.

after failing my driving test last year, i have finally trumped it yesterday in the resit. altho i wont be driving for another year or so. My dad's car got some clutch problem and im not that experience to be able to handle that. So yeah. But at least i pass this time. =P

Right now. I was about to post the wonderful time i had in Miri. But the news that I received when i get proper internet is just too much. I can just hope that everything is for the best. I am not an independent person, but I am strong through the support I get from everyone. But now I feel that I wont have enough, to get my through the year. I hope my mood will be better tomorrow. I want to make a post for my Miri Trip.

Some quick updates:

1. I've made my 2nd oreo cheesecake in msia yesterday. And ingredients felt much more expensive in malaysia because of the large figure.
2. I'm about to start my driving class again but i dont know if i would get a license or not.
3. I'm off to Miri tomorrow to visit my sisters, brother, brother in law, nephew and nieces. Also the change in Miri since my last visit in 2003. Yay!
4. i've finished Blood+ anime. and it is awesome. gave me some idea for my imagination world.

on a side note, i dreamed that i am applying for a job for Star Trek. Apparently there is a massive alien outbreak on Earth. And the Enterprise team are dealing with the problem. They also now have an animal squad. These animal have mutated and they can speak. The animals in the squad are a tiger with a cape on its back (it still walks on 4 feet however), a crane and probably a tortoise (probably due to watching wonderpets recently).

So basically, i'm an owner of a talking sheep (this is from watching Shaun the sheep). I am applying jobs for both of us in the animal team, with me as supervisor. and guess what, my rival applying for the same job is James McAvoy. Owh god, i probably wont get the job.

What is the prerequisite of being happy?

Perhaps love alone is not sufficient. Such intangible bonds are bound to break after some times. And in the end, for this modern world, perhaps money would be the thing we need. Perhaps the economic recession has made its impact, making money a much more valuable asset. And its taking quite a toll on everyone.

Money cant buy everything...yes true...but neither can love.

balik kampung? driving license? jalan2 kl?

so many things to do, not enuf time, not enuf money.

being complacent as usual. btw, got a dream in which i became a foster son to a well known mafia. coolness. and secondly as a priest in angels n demons. (well, i have never read nor watch angels or demons so in my dreams, the plot is taken from 07 ghost manga in which i am going against the pope since he had been taken over by the dark lord or sumthing like that.)

i cant remember much but i do remember that due to some problems in the airport, ZQ (in Sylar mode), farah and me are on our way to what is supposedly to be farah's house(altho it doesn't look like what it should in real life).

ok, probably that is too short. lol. but yeah, it feels awesome to hear Sylar in real life. I mean, something that feels like real life. I have the sense of wanting to be friends yet fear of losing my own life. coolness. and farah as expected, get along pretty well with him.

Well, i dont remember but this is quite a multiple dream in itself but i'll make it short then.

First is probably a trip up a mountain, well, this one i dont quite remember bcoz its the first, what i do remember is that u can use the road to go up or down the mountain. But its a race, using race cars that look like antique cars. owh well, i think i gave up on the way up so i dash back down.

On the way down,  suddenly im in a kampung house with my dad, mum (but is actually the actress wan maimunah), then step mother ngan dua step sister. This is ala2 drama melayu cerekarama tv3, in which me and my mum live together with them but is subject to harsh treatment by the steps. my mum is 8 month pregnant but they are still evil. We can still live with them because of money inheritance from my mother's side. it was at one occasion of evening tea that the last piece of straw breaks, i decided to snap at them, for the fact that they are cruel and after the inheritance. I said that we just want to be like families, they can have the money to themselves if only the didnt treat us badly. and for some reason, everyone has to leave except me and my step mother. So I treat her harshly, and in the end, she looked herself in the toilet, trying to run away through the toilet window. For some reason then, i feel kinda dejavu, in which i knew what would happen and she would die falling from the window. And i feel delighted by it. (probably because seeing cinderella story always made me think why they cant fight back more, im sure that they would win if they fight back more rather than being obedient to the ever harsh treatment cinderella and the house workers receive). I hear a scream and a sound as if something heavy and fallen to the ground. Muahahaha. so i slammed on the toilet door (just to make myself looked concerned) and i found a couple there, apprently there is a couch in the toilet. Well, dont get the wrong idea, there are not in the middle of a project. they are just holding hands, the guy in deep sleep (while sitting) and the girl is just accompanying him. but the guys grip on her hand seemed very strong, it might seem that it would hurt. but the girl just smiles. (i dunno why they have to be there in the first place)

but in the end, she didnt die, and it turns out that she was also pregnant, the neighbor told me that she had a miscarriage after falling from thw window. (which i feel bad about) so i decided to visit her with the local kampung imam. before heading out, i actually take a chicken rendang to be eaten on the way to my neighbors house. well, i share it with tok imam, which suddenly looks so glutton. owh well, i figure out, people would not relate me to the incidence if i walked with the imam, looks kinda pious and all. And when i saw her, i wasn't wearing glasses so i dont really know but actually she had given birth, my neighbor lied. i didnt know how to respond to my step mum. it was silence until she said sorry, and that she wants to understand us. Out of nowhere, Jal is also at the balcony, apparently as a sister (not the step sister) who is playing with her laptop. And that suddenly we discuss how younger generations are getting more and more technology literate than ever.

Then next stop is at a house near the mountains earlier. Well here are the families of Jalilah, with Damiah. Apparently, there are Jal's boy cousins playing car racing on PS3. And Damiah wanted to play too, Jal tried to calm her down but she went on a tantrum as usual, so i had to lend my ps3 and car racing game. (i dont even know why i had them and how is that possible to connect two ps3 to one tv. then i had to teach her how to play the game, which is hard since she is only 3. the game racing features the mountain race i was in earlier (what a coincidence) and also some races in tunnels in hills. (Btw, the room is magnificent, it feels like it is carved from a mountain. And i think probably the house is carved from the mountain)

Then i have to hurry back home, a plane to catch, so to go to the train station that would bring me to the airport, i have to go through the tunnel that is in the race earlier. (OMG, why are all these connected.) I feel like i am in a car but the speed made me feel like im walking. probably standing on one of those flat escalator in KLIA that you encounter on the way to your gate. There was no other car btw. The tunnel seemed to be comprised of several tolls but i dont have to pay since no one is at the counter. Maybe its free. but the opposite lane has all their workers there. Apparently nuddin works there. So i just said hi and waved.

When i reached the other end of the tunnel, i realised that i have to get my game back from Damiah, so i had asked Nuddin to go get it for me since i cant be bothered to go back through the tolls. He works there so he doesnt have to pay. But when Nuddin is on the way to retrieve my game. i realised i dont have much time before the flight so i just hop on the train without leaving a note to explain the matter if Nuddin gets back. ( I am beginning to feel that I am quite selfish)

I end up at a chinese. lol. (this probably refers to Kek Look Tong in perak, probably also explains the house in the mountain). There was a gathering at the stairs so i just went along to see whats happening. It turn out that it is a Chinese prayer time. But the high monk is missing, so things got a bit delayed, after the prayers, they have some sort of like a festival to unite the chinese community. And this is where my role begins, surprisingly, i am in the temple committee. So the festival went on until night when police came to raid the place, saying that a murder had taken place. probably the murder of the High Monk. So we had to clean up a lot, and prepare the temple for the search. There is one room that i entered, and apparently, the couple earlier is there too doing the exact same thing. So i just took the guys hand, and tried to release the grip he has on the girl, i mean it wont look nice if the police finds them in that situation. The girl thanked me for saving her. So she and me goes down the temple stairs where i also met with Yan Mei, so all of us went down while the police goes up to search the temple.

Apparently there is an expensive looking saloon car (it could have well been alfa romeo) waiting for me at the parking area near the temple stair. Almost all of the teviot resident are in the car, we are to go for a roadtrip. The driver is Vincent (probably explain such expensive looking car). Well, i still dont understand how the interior manage to fit everyone in, there seem to be three rows of seat (which applies to SUV not saloon car). But then its comfortable. I do think that someone is missing from the group. Instead, one of my classmates (which i met during the REAL roadtrip with jal and teah) seemed to be in the car as well for unknown reasons. Well, we drive through some places and and suddenly pass a hilly area in which we can see the most magnificent water theme park ever across the river from the hill. so we parked the car, and observe the wonderful water theme park. there are tons of dolphins you can play with in the pools, and there is also a beach at the theme park, with whales you can play with. The park is so lively and everyone in it seem to be enjoying every minute of it.  (OMG, i seriously want to go to such a theme park) So we all have to adjust our roadtrip plans to see if we can fit it in. And thats the end of my dream.

Phew, thats a long one. Start writing at 1.48 finishes at 3.52am with intervals of manga, midnite snacks etc, since im bored of typing on and on and on.

well, since im already bored again, i will update yet another dream of mine.

well, the dream goes way earlier the starting point im telling you but i just dont remember much beyond that point so i'll just start off from wherever its easy for me to tell you.

As a punishment for hurting the feelings of one of my teacher ( id ont remember what i did), that teacher had recommended to the Ministry of Education that i should be sent to resit Primary 5. What!!!! Im already in uni, i cant repeat Primary 5.

So there i was back in my primary school, the class is actually my Primary 3 class. its kinda nostalgic except im not a kid, yet i wear the primary school uniform. Ewww. owh God, i cant describe the feeling. Then i entered the class, owh, there is someone familiar, Vincent. Ahaha. Maybe its bcoz he is short or sumthing. =P  (sorry vincent).  Well, he doesn't know me, its a Primary 5 vincent which looks almost the same as now. maybe just a little younger.

Then i need to copy, the timetable, with all the kids asking me why i transfer to the school. i mean, they're kids, they dont understand life yet, and im already an adult..well maybe. its just that i cant have the luxury of not worrying about life those kids have. then suddenly the lights are switched off. it turns out that vincent is the class bully. owh well it seems acceptable and not out of character at all.

so yeah the teacher came in, and we had geography. and since i transfered recently, i had miss the opportunity of observing walrus on 3 occasions so i have to copy that from my classmates. WTH, kids can go observe walruses for geography, i wish i had that in my days. if it really is the reality. it always makes me think, people nowadays are getting it easier and easier. I feel useless.

in the end i just cried, since if i have to resit Primary 5, then does it mean that next year i'll be sitting UPSR? and im gonna repeat secondary school. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok, thats probably it. sorry it doesnt feel that interesting at all. bcoz ive removed all the emotion involved in it since i dont remember much of it. (the emotional side of it).

life is getting boring again. i finished rave master. owh dear, i dont have the mood to type things down. ok, next time then. bye.

well, i found it quite funny. when im reading through rave master manga, i hear a fate stay night soundtrack from the tv. it is weird considering we dont subscribe to animax on astro so i took a look at the tv on what my mum is watching. and its a malay drama. lol. and after a few scene, yet another soundtrack of fate stay night could be heard. man, im wondering if the one in charge of the drama soundtrack is an anime addict.


and, im leaving for kl tomorrow for a roadtrip. yay.

another dream, im sorry, most of you will probably feel bored by now with all the useless dreams, but im bored too with nothing much to do except sleep hence the dreams. and im bored so i would just update my blog.

i dream going for a road trip to australia using what seem to be a convertible? i dont remember much of the details but going for a road trip from edinburgh to australia is weird. i think my mind interpret aberdeen as australia. Nuddin however remind us all again2 that we are visiting australia altho i still find it unacceptable. well, half way through, i remembered that i forgot to bring my camcorder. damnit. and upon arrival, we went to a workshop to fix our tyres or tires ( wait, what is the spelling?).

i dunno why but i probably have this dream in relation to 1) the coming roadtrip 2) i plan to bring my camcorder 3) firdaus's australian trip 4) reading about what nuddin wrote on my yearbook.

and thus my mind combine them all into such a dream. but then convertible? owh wait, i remember, i saw a car in one blog that i stumble upon.

i wonder what melancholy really means. owh well, i've started watching haruhi suzumiya season 1. and i found it interesting although i've tried watching it thrice before, i wonder why i had not finish the series already. im always stuck at the first few episodes. maybe boredom just made other things extra nice?

and farah told me true blood season 2 has started, damn i want to watch it. but maybe when im back in edin, i can marathon it. rather than wait weekly like i do with mangas. im also half way through rave master manga. road trip is coming soon, im gonna fly to kl on 30th.


well, i just went through all nostalgics booklets i.e. award booklet for primary 6, form 3, form 5 and A-level. i tried to remember the faces of my primary school classmates, some of the fun moments, and i also bask myself in those gloryful times. owh, what had become of me now. so pitiful. lol. and i also go through the yearbook, i kinda laugh at aqtar writing, may u get edinburgh, and that farah poems last line refers to people like me. words by friends, asking me to stay cheerful, that they are gonna miss me. nuddin reminds me to keep my intention in check so that i dont stray and dont think too much.  anept ask me to keep my mr nice guy look (i wonder if i have that look in the first place).

owh the memories, thank you everyone for whatever memories you gave me. im sorry if i forget, if i dont contact u guys anymore. its my bad. but i thank you from the bottom of my heart. and im sorry for any wrongdoings.

owh well, again i have two dreams just now. the first one is kinda short, or it might be because i cant remember much.

for the first one, for some unknown reason, my flat in edinburgh would be changed from a 3-bed flat into a 4-bed flat. well, someone asked me if he can joined in our flat and i agreed to it. i can't really remember who that person is. so, i told aqtar about it. and aqtar felt it weird on how a 3-bed flat could be renovated into 4-bed flat. so i argued with aqtar for a while and it seems aqtar is right. there was sumthing wrong with my perception of space in the dream, the layout of my room and aqtar's room is right but the rest of the flat is not how it should have been.


the second dream, hmm, its about my medical exams. well, i dreamt that i was sitting my medical exams in my primary school, i mean the settings, not the people. but then again, my classmates are my old friends in mrsm kuching with the exception of farah that is. there are shahril khairunnizam, vincent freddie (not vincent tiong), siti haryanie and farah. well, i sat in  the exams where i sat when i am in Primary 3. ( I remembered it used to be Shirley Anjang sitting next to me. Quite a funny girl, and when i skipped primary 4, i end up in the same class as her brother Johnny). so back to the dream.

the exam end up terribly. people are noisy, it seems mosty people finished early, and i'm not done yet, i remembered writing the answers down but i wrote on the wrong piece of paper, not the answer paper, and i got time issues as well, i cant seemed to read my watch properly, sometimes its 1130, sometimes 1230. omg, im so panic, i only answered 2 SAQs out of 8, maybe 10. i just answered the first two questions, one of them being, explain the difference in the injury of central canal and vertebral column. and the last SAQ question is like our primary school english grammar question (i believe this is a bonus q?) but the sentences are medical in nature.

and suddenly times up, and i didn't even finish the last q, and i already skip all in the middle because 1) they are hard 2) i dont have the time to copy my answers from the wrong sheet of paper to the answer paper). and throughout the exam, i am contemplating of either just giving up or struggle to the end. i'm glad i choose to just try to finish what i can.

and when everything is done, i went out of the class, feeling terribly restless, and i told farah, i think i might fail this one. and she said, "you always said so but you'll turn out fine in the end anyway"

and i do hope so too.



edited: owh, now i think about it, i probably dreamt about the first one because i edited aqtar's kra recipe using evaporated milk and milo. so kinda  a milo kra, but perhaps the milo taste is a bit too much and the kera does not seemed to want to have the strong structure like the normal one. so i'm probably gonna try again based on this one trial. so its gonna be tail and error until i found a new adapted version of aqtar's kra. well, its not like i hate aqtar's original kra but i always like to experiment on stuff and food is one of them.